There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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