did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
