i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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