The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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