So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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