Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
