He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
