apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
