Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
