It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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