the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
