just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
