Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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