hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
