Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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