I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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