I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
