yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
