until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
