I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
