On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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