hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
