New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
