you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
