Ketchup is God's man juice
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
