i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
