I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
