my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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