Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
