Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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