On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
