I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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