If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
