i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
