I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Randomize
