He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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