Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
