we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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