we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I believe in your delicious
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
