If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
