Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
