Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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