I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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