you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
