tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize