so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
