I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
