Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
