Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
