if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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