SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
