my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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