im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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